Find Me Alastar

“You knew, didn’t you?” I whisper.

“Shh, love.” He bends and gently kisses my forehead.

“I tried, I’m sorry. I tried my hardest to beat this. To stay with you,” I whisper.

His face screws up in pain and his eyes fill with tears. “To spend one day in your arms was worth

it,” he whispers.

The tears fill my eyes and I frown knowing it’s time.

“Alastar, get Ester.” I hold my hand for him to bring her up to the bed.

He screws up his face and bends to pick up his daughter who is playing on the floor. Our little girl

with the blonde ringlets and the large blue eyes. He sits her on the bed next to me and she leans over

and squeals in delight as she grips my face.

“I love you, baby,” I whisper.

She gargles and laughs in joy, and I smile at the happiness she holds within her. She’s a true gift in

life.

My eyes rise to my beautiful, broken Alastar. Tears stream down his face. He is inconsolable. “Take

care of Daddy,” I whisper to Ester. “I love you, baby. Mummy loves you very much. I have written

letters for you and Daddy will give them to you on your birthday each year.” She continues her happy

playing on the bed with her blocks.

I hold my hand out for Alastar and he brings his head down to mine, our foreheads touch. “I love

you,” he whispers through his tears.

I close my eyes in pain. “I love you, too.” I run my fingers through his stubble one last time.

He sobs loudly.

“Find me, Alastar,” I whisper.

“I will. You know I will.” He smiles into the side of my face. “We get to do this again, baby. Our

love will never be over,” he whispers.

I strain a smile. “Yes,” I murmur as I feel myself losing consciousness. “Find me, Alastar,” I

breathe.

And to the sound of his soft sobs in the silence, I turn and walk toward the light.

A gunshot rings out and I jump with a start.

Holy fuck.

I pant as I try to control my erratic heartbeat.

Did that just happen? How did I just remember that?

He knew,

All along he knew.

I put both of my hands over my mouth so I don’t cry out loud.

Alastar loses me in every life.

I die young.

In every life.

He didn’t push me away to give me a choice, he pushed me away to try and save my life.

Oh God.

My heart hurts.

This man, this beautiful man who I love with all of my heart, finds me and loves me… even though he

knows what pain he is going to put himself through by doing so. My mind goes back to his painting that he

won the award for.

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. By Aesop.

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow…This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow…

That sentence has just taken on a whole new meaning. The shadow is my death. He had been focusing

on my death and he had lost sight of the substance. Me.

Oh, my poor Alastar. My poor darling man. He hasn’t told me because he hasn’t wanted me to live in

this shadow. The fear of dying.

He is still protecting me.

I get up on shaky legs and walk to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I turn on the light and

stare at my reflection in the mirror.

The gunshot rings through my head and I see Henry fall to the ground… Elizabeth’s father killed him

when he was trying to rescue her from the cellar.

How can that be?

I put my head into my hands as my face screws up in pain. I weep for Alchron and for Henry and I

now know why I only remember those two lives.

Alastar died before me in those two lives.

He sacrificed his life twice for me and I remember-I remember how painful it was.

Sadness falls over me.

This is why he worries about me.

This is why he has to control all things in his environment because he has no control over the shadow

of fate. His anxiety is borne from a fear of the future. He’s scared of watching me die and not being abled

to stop it.