Love Fast

I’ve tried to stay focused on work today, but it’s been tough. Rosey not volunteering to delay her move into staff housing was a surprise. It threw me off-balance a little, so I pushed it to the back of my mind to focus on the various problems that have been thrown at me all day. Now, as I drive back to the cabin, Rosey’s decision comes flooding back.

Maybe I’m an arrogant asshole, but I thought she’d be the first person to volunteer.

I’ve always known things would shift between us when she moved up to the Club. It was bound to happen. I just didn’t expect her to be so eager to make that shift.

I didn’t come to Colorado expecting to find the kind of connection Rosey and I share. I’ve tried to resist it, but I’ve got both feet in now. I thought she felt the same way.

I pull up in front of the cabins and Rosey’s sitting on the porch wrapped in a blanket. It’s so cold. Why would she be out here on her own?

I get out of the truck and our gazes lock. I wander over and she stands. I get to the top of the stairs and she opens her arms, stretching the blanket wide, and envelops me in a hug that shelters both of us in its warmth.

She rests her head on my chest, and I lay my cheek against the top of her head.

I sigh. I’m really going to miss this. I’m going to miss the way she smells like spring in the middle of winter. How she feels warm on the coldest of nights. She’s so calm and considered in all the madness of the Colorado Club.

I lift my head. “I thought…”

She tips her head back to look at me. “I know. I just don’t want to tempt fate. You know?”

I wince. No. I don’t know.

“This is so good,” she says.

“Agreed.” So why change it?

“But it can’t go on forever, right?”

I pull in a breath. I wasn’t suggesting forever. But a few more days would have been good. Maybe from where she’s sitting, that would just be delaying the inevitable.

“The guys said to tell you goodbye,” I say.

She grins up at me. “They really love you. I can’t believe they came out here and stayed in RVs.”

They really do love me, and the feeling’s mutual. I’m a lucky guy. I need to focus on all the incredible things in my life, rather than why Rosey doesn’t want a few more days of what we have together.

“So Saturday morning, I’m losing a neighbor,” I say.

“I’m really going to miss this,” she says.

I nod, slowly. So will I. I don’t know if I’ve ever walked away from a relationship and regretted it. I don’t know if I’ve ever thought about an ex once they fit into that box. Maybe because what Rosey and I have doesn’t feel done? I get the feeling Rosey is all I’m going to think of after Saturday.

“Wanna go to Grizzly’s and eat wings?” I ask her.

“No,” she says resolutely. “I want to stay here and drink hot chocolate.” There’s something about the tone in her voice I can’t place. Maybe it’s me, but she seems a little sad. “I’m going to miss our nights drinking hot chocolate on the porch.” Yes, there’s definitely a note of sadness in her voice.

I don’t get it. If she’s going to miss this, why didn’t she volunteer?

We go into her cabin, make me a drink and refresh hers, then go sit on the porch swing.

“I heard from my sister today. She graduated high school nearly a year ago. She’s desperate to go to college.”

“That’s great,” I say.

“Yeah,” she replies, but her yes says more than yes.

“Yeah?” I ask. I want to hear what she’s thinking.

“My mom doesn’t want her to go. She wants her to get a job so she can contribute to family expenses.”

“You feel guilty because if your mom had your salary from the job at Frank’s garage, your sister would be able to go to college?” I ask, trying to figure out why Rosey seems a little reserved tonight.

“No, I doubt she’d let Marion go either way. But if I were there… maybe she’d be focused on me and Frank, and what she could get from him. Her attention wouldn’t be on Marion.”

I don’t know what to say to that. It’s fucked up that she feels the need to shield her sisters from her mom. That she feels guilty for not taking the shots so they can escape.

“You want me to help with anything?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “No. I’ll figure it out.”

I want to help somehow. I want to make her feel better. Doesn’t she see that?

She must read the disappointment in my face. “It’s kind of you to offer,” she says, “but I can’t rely on other people for things. That’s how…” She doesn’t finish her sentence. She just shrugs.

I shift to face her. “That’s how what?”

“I’ve never been independent. First my mom, then Frank. I’ve never made my own decisions about anything. I’ve never taken action that wasn’t approved by my mom. I need to give the trailer back to Frank. I’ve made that decision and it feels like a big one.” Her voice cracks and I want to pull her into a hug. This is clearly a huge deal for her.

“I’m not trying to influence your decision.”

She nods. “I know. But I’m terrified that if we keep going like this, or if I let you fix my problems, I’m going to slip into a role where… I’m not myself.”

“I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself,” I say. “I like you too much to want you to change.”

“I know. The thing is, I feel like a toddler out in the world. I’ve spent my life trying to please my mom or at least avoid making her angry. I’ve bent and changed myself so much to fit her needs that I don’t know who I am when I’m standing tall. I need to learn that.”

“And you’re worried you’re going to bend for me if you talk to my lawyer, or if you spend a few more days in the cabin?”

She holds my gaze. We both know that her not volunteering to delay her move is circling our conversation like a hawk.

“This isn’t about you wanting me to be different. I know you don’t—you wouldn’t. This is about me trying to second-guess what you want and make myself fit without being asked. I’m not saying I’d deliberately do that. It wouldn’t even happen right away. But little by little, I think I’d change myself. To make you happy.”

My heart sinks right into my boots. I hate that she feels this way. And although it’s the last thing she wants, I want to scoop her up and make her feel better. I want to take all her years of hurt and put them back on the person who created them—her mother.

“You’re a wonderful woman, Rosey,” I say. “You shouldn’t change for anyone.”

She offers me a small smile. “You’re the best man I’ve ever known.”

I slide my hand into hers and we sit in silence, looking out into the dark.

A chill burrows beneath the blanket and I wonder if it will ever leave me. Rosey has been just what I need. She’s helped me see the good in Star Falls. She’s helped me fall in love with all the wonderful things about this town. That was the healing I didn’t know I needed. There’s a voice in my head that says I need her, too.noveldrama

But life doesn’t always give you want you want. I should have learned that lesson by now.